Three Beauties

Wanting to be wanted
Is a hunger that keeps you light and thin
It's been a long time now
Since I floated off
A maiden in the air
My scent turning heads
My glance
Pouring wine onto thirsty hands

Satisfaction and love's labor won
Have made me heavy and fruitful
There is such beauty in the earth beneath your feet
It turns wine into sweet milk

My breasts are no longer high and firm
They lie softly against my rib cage
And spill into my husband's hands
A shiny web
Shaped like a flame
Crowns my belly button
A banner announcing
That my body has also been a home

Where once I was smooth muscle
And shining skin
Incredible and desirable
I am now soft and folding
Flesh
Ordinary
And well loved

This mother
Has played the melody
And danced the rhythm
And has begun to discern
The Crone's staccato
Every now & then
A little frightening
But not unwelcome
It cuts and will make me light again
And I will float not in air
But down through the earth
Then up and out of Time

Hum

It is late in the Season
The Leaves drift now
Like ashes
After the bonfire has done
Winter will be here soon
With nothing to hide her beauty
Her aggressive stillness
Will calm and satisfy me
As the old songs rise in my heart
My tongue singing the sober praises
That have no part
With the glamour of warmth and sunlight

Clear

His Hand on my heart
Rubs away guilt
like so many smudgy fingerprints
on window glass

I stand under the leaves now
the light in them
So impossible-
Autumn makes the whole world
A stained glass cathedral

Days like these
I stand so still
Slowly and steadily
I drink and drink this beauty
And the story under my skin
streams out of my wide-open eyes
in tears

Who could know
better than I?
is there one who could accurately tell
what this love is like?

I am an exploded star
come back together
Spun into orbit
intensely captured and
teetering, drunkenly wobbling
Wailing my loneliness into the darkest corners
But it isn't my echo I hear bouncing back
It is the voice of the Friend

If I am never good,
May I be clear
And let me be loved...

In this lucid sanctuary
Every breeze through every leaf whispers
You are, you are.

To Be Human

I am no goddess
Just a flesh & blood mortal,
Skin clad muscle and bone
Struggling since a too early birth
To be human.
To walk some way
Other
Than the clear trod paths of beasts.

Crouched low,
Under the tangling thicket of my
Desires
And urges,
The patterns that come so naturally,
Ancient memory
Imprinted into
Every crease of my palm...

Here in the close space
Between what is & what is not,
Between reality & all that is false,
This narrow way
Where a soul is birthed,
(Is this not the way all life emerges?  A bursting, a response,
To restrictive pressure
Giving way just enough to allow
Progress?)
Here, the horizon is wider
Than I could have possibly imagined...

A sureness beyond my control
It is not magic I seek
No power over the current
No conjuring-
What could I dream up this untamed
This majestic
This wondrous?

My only longing here in this place,
One breath to the next-
Oh! Do I dare to?
Come ever closer
See ever clearer
Apprehend this Beauty,
Attain a humble understanding?

These bones crush to dust...
And I cry tears of joy at the absurdity.
I am no goddess,
But to be human,
To be human.

That is glory enough.

Mama

I have been waiting since the day my sweet Cub was born to hear him say "mama".  And now, right before he turns two, he is saying it.  "Maaa-muh!", when he wants me to come attend to something.  "Mama?", when he wakes in the night, making sure I am still there in the dark and quiet or that he is really awake and not dreaming.  "Mama, Mama, MA-Muh" when he just wants to hear the way it sounds and hear me say "Yes baby?" to make him smile.  Mama.  I like my new name.  I like knowing that this is who I am to this dear little boy.  Whatever a mama is, that is who I am to him.  That is how he knows me.  I am the one who feeds him, plays with him, talks to him, holds him.  The first face in the morning the warmth and comfort throughout the night.  The one who makes toys out of pots and pans and whatever else is lying around.  The one who stands over the stove and squats down to listen and lifts up to kiss away tears.  The one who makes him take his medicine and sit through face scrubbings and nail clippings and hair brushing.  The one whom he will one day break free from because he will know that, really, we are never apart.  The one who shows him that love is a link as I hold him, standing next to Daddy and all our arms go twining around each other.  Mama.  Mama.  Mama.  Yes baby, that is me.

Bear Good Fruit

I love life and I am pro-life and will stand with anybody and proclaim that message and hold out hope.  Joined in with 40 Days for Life, a movement started by the Catholic church and committed to coming out this morning to pray in front of the abortion mills in my town.  I got there at 9am, me and Cub.  We were there for about an hour.  I prayed, with others there, for a couple as they pulled in before the mill opened.  The woman never lifted her head.  Her boyfriend sits in the driver's side coolly smoking a cigarette, smoke and rock music drift from his slightly rolled down window.  Shortly after they arrive, a family with another group, Cities for Life arrives.  The mother sets up her loud speaker and in the sweetest, clearest, most loving and truthful words, pleads with the mother to change her mind.  15-20 minutes go by.  The mill opens.  The couple get out of their car and go inside.  Once, the mama looks over to us...then walks through the door her boyfriend holds open for her, into the place her baby is scheduled to die.  Minutes later her boyfriend walks out.  Leaving her there, he gets into his car and as he speeds out of the parking lot he yells "GOD DOESN'T EXIST."

My heart brims with tears that somehow won't fall from my eyes as I watch a mother and father taking their young daughter into the clinic.  Her child...their grandchild...dying for inconvenience or embarrassment or the hope of a career...young girls literally bounding like colts as if this is a game and they are at play; older women stone faced and stone hearted, walking determinedly to offer up their children to death.  They do not seem to know that this freezing, this hardness, will not just leave them...not even after it is done; men passive and uncaring as their sons and daughters are ripped from the bodies of the women they claim to love...it is such madness.

A car is coming, slows before it reaches the driveway as the same mother on the loud speaker walks over to ask the mama driving if she will take a minute to talk before going in.  I go around to the passenger side.  the young lady in the seat tells me she is here to support her sister.  "We are Christians.  We prayed, but we don't know what to do."  I tell her about my experience.  "Your sister is already a mama.  The only choices for her now are to have her baby and raise it, to have her baby and give it up or to kill her child today.  Whatever her choice, she will live with it for the rest of her life.  This will not just make it 'go away'.  And the baby she is carrying, that is not just her baby that she will kill.  That is your niece or nephew.  Your father's grandchild...I know how she feels right now.  Here's my number.  Don't do this.  I'm praying for you.  If you do go in, there is hope and healing after,  but I hope you don't need it."  They drive on into the parking lot.  They sit there for a long time.  Then the doors open and they go in.  My heart sinks...but I know there is always hope.  I keep praying.  We all do.  An hour later she comes out.  Smiling and waving at the "religious nutbags" on the sidewalk, bouncing for joy in her seat.  SHE CHOSE LIFE!

A tree is known by its fruit.  I have never seen a mother leaving the mill with joy after an abortion.  There is no joy in death.  The mamas and dads that choose life experience the relief that comes when a decision is made as well as the joy of knowing they have chosen the good.  Right action comes from right belief.   Love life, protect life, CHOOSE LIFE!

Throw Me a Lifeline

This post is a formal and heartfelt apology to every mother and child I ever judged before I became a mom.  I would like to say, with greatest sincerity "I am sorry, so very sorry. And moreover, I. Was. Wrong.  To every mother whom I judged as being inadequate for not disciplining (and by disciplining I mean "tanning the hide" of) her tired, tearful and yes, even, raging toddler. For every inner scoff at the oft given reason/apology for behavior I found unacceptable "He's tired.  She missed her nap.  He's probably just hungry."  For every irritated face scrunch to exaggerate my displeasure over the noisy tot at the next table over in the restaurant.  For every policing stare given to mothers whose children were not properly strapped into the seat of the shopping cart, but riding shotgun in the place that the GROCERIES are supposed to go.  For everytime I thought that every baby was supposed to like every adult and tolerate being handled whether they liked it or not.  Because they were babies, dang it.  For every parent whom I thought, in my abject ignorance, had failed to show their kids just WHO was BOSS, thereby making my very important life more pleasant...again I say I am sorry and I was WRONG.  I was wrong to think that my experience at the grocery store or the restaurant was any more important than yours.  If I had taken the time to notice, I would have seen that my displeasure (misplaced and obtrusive) probably made a difficult situation more difficult and made you focus on how you APPEARED and what total strangers were thinking of you and your child, instead of the need of the moment...your child's distress and the best way to handle it.  It never occured to me as I sat in the restaurant that as a single woman, I could go out to eat anytime I pleased, but that for you and your family, eating out was an orchestrated event. Just making it to the table was a feat of coordination, pacification, timing, patience and planning.  It never occurred to me that maybe my condescending attitude was ruining YOUR dining experience. To all the moms who let their kids ride shotgun in the grocery cart...YOU WERE DOING THE RIGHT THING.  If that is the only place your child would sit, without crying, or pulling everything off the shelves, if that is what it took to gain 10 peaceful minutes in which to get your groceries or just 10 minutes of down time while you walked the aisles with no fire to put out, then yeah, you did the right thing.  And I salute you for doing it despite my condemning glare.  Instructions on that stupid seat flap thingy (which never stays down anyway) be hanged.

Now that I am a mom, I know much better.  My tot is rude.  He doesn't smile at everyone and loudly protests being held  when he doesn't wish it.  He spares no one's feelings.  Imagine that.  That said, he is a very sweet child, UNLESS, he is tired or he has missed his nap or he is hungry.  And I find myself saying this a lot...I know, I know .  I have no time to try and show him just who is boss.  I am too busy being the boss, which means being patient when I'm out of patience, taking care of his needs when I have needs of my own and looking for peaceable solutions that keep us both sane.  Nope, no time for power games.  When my face is hot from embarrassment because Cub is tuning up for a big cry and yanking up my shirt IN THE CHECK-OUT LINE, because he is tired and hungry and wants to nurse RIGHT NOW, and I can't decide if I should pay with cash or fumble around for the debit card and end up pulling out the credit card because "OH MY GOSH, WHERE IS MY DEBIT CARD?!!"  And the teen-aged cashier and the lady behind me in heels and a savvy pant suit just.can't. relate...I remember being like them. I remember only having to be concerned with myself.  Now I am not judging them, nor would I want to trade places with them.  But it does remind me...to stay humble.  Some days I am just hanging on for dear life.  And I know other moms are too.  I still try to make eye contact with mamas with, shall we say, difficult, children.  But it's not so that I can ice them with my stare and make them conform.  It's so I can throw them a life-line...tell them how beautiful their little one is and what a wonderful job they are doing.  I don't expect that the world will stop for me and Cub, shift to accommodate our needs.  But, the world shouldn't expect moms, dads, kids to accommodate it though.  I realize that now.  And, I dare say, I am a better person for it.  Certainly a better mom.