v'Dodi Li

Scrabbling for you

In the dust

The dirt under my nails

The scrape of shifting pebbles

Solid

Falling away as quickly as I perceive them

Looking for the Light

Yet here I am

In the coolness

The darkness

Of the earth

I have to laugh

How have you intoxicated me so?

Just near enough to drive me mad

With greater longing

I would not

Cannot give you up

I tremble

I whine

I groan

in desperation

And then a spark, a flash,

You shine there, just there in my periphery,

So close that

I shake my fist in confidence

And dance in exaltation

I trace your footprint on the path

And then fall back bewildered and lonely

Straining to find the direction of Your Voice

But echoes bounce and it is hard to tell

I move forward inexorably though

This heavy search, the longing is enough sometimes

Because it reminds me

How could I desire you this much

If you were never there?

My tears fall like sparkling diamonds

Will they  make a worthy diadem?

My Heart is Dancing

Fall and winter have always been my favorite times of year.  I am made for cooler weather.  I love the deep and quietly fading beauty of autumn and the austerity and stillness of winter.  It makes me feel more alive and this year is no different.  Each day I spend so much time drinking in the view, watching the panoramic spectacle of the leaves changing colors outside my window.  The sun is coming down, to the ground, in wiggling droplets, through the woods behind my house, no longer buoyed up by the thick, green leaves of summer.  My garden bed is spent.  Only the leafless stalks remain in the cool, wet dirt.

I go out everyday with Cub, trying not to waste these last days that are warm enough for playing in the park or strolling down sidewalks window shopping or weekend hayrides.  As night comes quicker and cooler...we are making our peace and saying goodbye to our sweet summer together.  Goodbye to the heat and sweat and buzzing bees and wasps and hot kiss of sun on face and arms and the nape of the neck.  Goodbye long days and waiting for tomatoes and watering the flowers.  Goodbye to sunny weekend trips and time spent at the lake and summer weddings and parties.

This time last year, I held Cub in my arms, nearly all the time.  Now he wriggles down and walks proudly and boldly wherever he wants to go.  I have to laugh!  It seems that time moves forward slowly, but the backward glance is the blink of an eye.  In the blink of an eye the still time of the year has come again.  I am eagerly anticipating the gifts that await; mornings spent with my family sipping hot chocolate, maybe a snow or two for sledding down our hill, the oven hot and steady, baking love in the shape of cookies while care simmers on the stovetop in my beef stew.  Drawing close under blankets as we read stories together under the inky black of winter night, all a-shimmering with icy stars.  Joy, joy everywhere.  I pray we are all less sick this winter.  I give thanks for the family and friends that give my life purpose.  My heart is dancing, what about yours?

Glory

I had a revelation the other day!  Let me tell you...

So, my husband has been working out over the past year and a few months ago, he went through his closet and pulled out all the clothes that no longer fit properly.  We bagged them up and drove out to a local charitable organization but they were closed.  So, not wanting to keep the clothes sitting around the house any longer, I decided to take them to the homeless shelter.  On the way there, I passed a building whose sign out front read "God's Glorious Church".  It was closed, no one was there.  I drove on and even closer to the men's shelter, there was another church, "Our Lady of the Assumption".  No one was there either.  I made it to the shelter...didn't even make it in the door before a man came up to me.  "You got clothes?  Can you just give them to me?  I am sure they will fit.  If you take them in there, I won't get them.  They won't give them to me."  I protested a bit.  I could not tell if the guy was running game on me or not.  But I quickly decided I didn't care.  Here was a man with no home.  He wanted clothes.  I had them to give and so I did.  There on the sidewalk.  His name was Ellis.

Earlier in thesame day, I was aware that in the Messianic community, it was a feast day, Yom Teruah, a day of shouting and praise and blasting of trumpets followed by a day of fasting and prayer.  The weeks prior to these feast days are called the days of Teshuva or repentance; a time to examine our hearts, to make ammends for any wrongs we have done and to restore broken relationships.  I always struggle with the meaning of keeping Torah, law and grace, YHVH's will for my life.  I, wasn't going to congregation to shout with the blowing of the shofar, wasn't fasting the following day.  Sometimes, my liberty frightens me.  And as I always do when I feel unclear, I turned to my Abba, seeking His will for my life in His Word.  "What do you want me to do??!"  I cried out.  I opened my bible.  Joel chapter 1.  The heading of the section my eyes fell on: A call to repentance.  "Ok, Abba.  I am listening.  What are you saying to me?"  And then His voice, clear as a bell, "Amos."  I flip to the book, right to chapter 5, my eyes widening as the words of YHVH leap from the tissue thin page; "I hate, I despise your religious feasts; I cannot stand your assemblies."  verse 21.  The King says away with the songs and music, but to "let justice roll on like a river" and "righteousness like a never ending stream!"  In Isaiah, The King says that the fast that pleases Him, the fast that He has chosen is "to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?  Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-when you see the naked, to clothe him and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?"

As I was heading back home after giving the clothes away, driving back past the empty churches, the verses above came to my mind again and I was suddenly so ashamed!  Hot tears began rolling down my cheeks.  How dare we assume that God's Glorious church has anything to do with a brick building or stained glass saints or bellowing ram's horns???  There is no church other than those who are walking with YHVH loving Him and loving other people.  Knowing Him and making Him known by the love we show.  Cleansing and seasoning salt.  Warm and unwavering light.  If we love Him, if we share food with hungry people, stand up for the oppressed, clothe those with nothing to wear, protect those who have no defense, this, this is glory!  "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you and the glory of YHVH will be your rear guard...If you do away with the pointing finger and malicious talk and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noon day."  Isaiah 58:8-10

"Thank you Abba." I breathed, feeling His clear love erasing my shame.  And there, in my van, with Cub happy in the backseat, I did celebrate Yom Teruah, shouting and singing the name of my Father whose glory  I truly long to live for.

Rescue

Some days, it is just enough to make it from sun up to sun down. Some days are long and stretch you thin. And then some days are just so full of joy and light that you feel as though you may burst. Both kinds of days are blessings and I am so glad to be learning that...

I had two packages to get into the mail. One has been ready to go for about a week, but I could never quite get it together enough to make it to the post office. Today, I wrangle Cub into some clothes (he is protesting clothing these days), make myself presentable and get all the way to the post office before I realize that I left the packages at home. I sigh and shake my head at the predicament...the waste of gas, and time, and I still have to get these things mailed...

I head back to the van. Strap Cub back into the carseat. It is hot. Across the parking lot, I see a figure coming in my direction, "Hey sister-". Sure he is trying to sell me some bootleg DVD's or body oils or demo's of his latest rap album, I ignore him. It's just too hot. In the driver's seat, I look up just as he gets to my vehicle. He holds up a flyer. I smile politely as I wave and shake my head "No, thank you." (Refusal can be polite. Southern home trainin'). I pull off. But, there was a Cross on that flyer. The struggle lasts about 3 seconds and I turn the van around, pull up beside him and roll my window down. "I saw the cross on the flyer..." I say. He gives me a big smile and tells me why he is standing in this parking lot in 90 degree weather. His life had been going nowhere. He used to be a drug dealer. When he'd gotten out of jail, he'd had no place to go. Somebody saw him on the street one day. A pastor. "I was driving through this neighborhood and saw you standing there. You got any place to go?" the pastor asked. "No." was the reply. "I have a place for you, if you want. Here's my number. You can call me." As night was coming on, the young man tells me, he made the call. And the pastor came immediately. "It is amazing what just a shower, some clean clothes and a shave will do for someone.", the young man tells me. He talks about the ministry, but even more than what he is saying I see an honest and clear person before me...I can see what love does to people. I put money in his plastic bucket. He gives me a flyer. And then I notice a woman asking for this ministry too. She is sweating. I drive back and purchase some bottles of water. "Stay hydrated." I tell them and they were grateful for the water. Cub and I go home.

Last week, a scripture came to mind and impacted me in a really new way. "For the Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost." Luke 19:10. Yeshua said that he came to seek and save the lost (The same words are in Matthew 18:11). I have always focused on the "save" part, but never the "seek" part. The pastor who rescued the young man I met was out seeking the lost. The rescued ones were in turn out seeking those who were ready to come in from the cold and those who want to help. And as I looked over the flyer, Luke 19:10 was printed at the bottom. I could have cried.

Love is active. It has no time for judgement or lectures. It is busy going about rescuing and sending people on the way of peace. This makes me so happy. Sometimes, love is what stretches you thin, but oh if it doesn't fill you with the greatest joy too!!! Photo above taken by Mary Chind

When the Gang's All Here

I love it when my family comes to visit. We all live in different cities...from New York, NY all the way down to Savannah, GA. There is so much magic, so much beauty when you are spending time around the people who have loved you and known you all your life. Even through hard times the thread of love between us is a life line...we get together, we cook, we argue, we laugh, we make each other mad, we forgive each other, we serve each other, we get to know each other, counsel each other, encourage each other, make allowances for each other...and we understand each other; even when we run out of words. My family has taught me this...love is life, service is joy, and honesty is a gift. Simple and amazing and wonderful and I don't take the moments we have together for granted. I am so grateful...

Do Over

So, I am making a large rug for my living room by stitching together several smaller ones. I will tell about this project in another post...but right now, I want to talk about something else. I stitched together 9 rugs. It has been time consuming and a bit laborious-not in a bad way, but it has taken time. Yesterday, when I had finally knotted the stitch on the last one, I was so very excited-until I opened up my fold and realized that I had stitched the very last one on backwards. All my knot work and loose threads were showing on the face of my rug. My first thought after the initially disappointing realization was "I wonder if it will look bad if I just leave it like that." I flipped the rug back and forth, squinting a little, tucking in knots and threads, trying to make the obvious defect seem "not quite so bad." I finally decided that the best thing to do, indeed what must be done was to unstitch that last rug and sew it back properly. I was less than eager as I sat down today with my scissors to undo my previous work. But as I worked two things became clear to me...how often our spiritual lives are just like this. It is so very important what we do in a moment. I am a firm believer in Grace. I cling to the love and mercy of my Abba in heaven. I know that He understands me and He forgives and cleanses away my mistakes, my sins. But I think it can become easy to mistake grace for no consequence. But there is always a consequence...it's physics. And though we can always ask for forgiveness (and of course, we are going to need to in life), there is something to be said for not having to. It is so much better to hold our tongue and keep our peace than to go back and apologize for words or deeds that can't be taken back. The time and materials I used yesterday are gone and I cannot recall them. We should strive to do things the right way the first time and thank YHVH for grace when we do not. And the second thing I realized was how instant and natural the desire to cover over a mistake instead of rectifying it. How soon do we learn this? What makes us so...lazy? I am glad I have decided to fix my mistake. Even if no one else noticed it, I would always have known it was there and leaving it would have cheapened all my other labor...the hundreds of correct stitches I made. It is not fun to go back and try to fix a problem you have made. But acknowledgement and effort bring a freshening and a maturity that is really impossible to come by any other way. Long one short; life, time, materials, relationships-be careful with them. Stay open and have the humility and the strength to try to ammend your mistakes. I think remembering these two things will make for a much sweeter life. Definitly better looking, homemade rugs!

While Cub Sleeps

Who Is My Neighbor?

Have you ever heard of "intentional communities"? Neither had I, until recently, when a friend of mine introduced me to the concept. Intentional communities are made up of people who are convicted to live a life of voluntary service in and among the poor and disadvantaged. It is far beyond charity, it is pure relationship. There is such a community in the city where I live, and yesterday, my friend invited me to come and see for myself, what it was all about. Friday nights are for community meals. So, between getting my house cleaned, doing my laundry and getting Cub down for his nap (twice) I managed to bake a batch of cookies and google directions to where I needed to be. From the address, I knew that it was in a "sketch" part of town. And when I pulled past the place, looking for a parking space, I have to say my first thought was "What the h-e-double hockey sticks am I doing here??" All I saw were faces of people, with whom, it seemed obvious, that I had little in common with. I got out of my van, slipped cub into my sling, grabbed my plate of cookies and set off down the sidewalk. I felt very awkward as I approached the house. I scanned the yard quickly for my friend. I did not see him and so I decided that the best thing to do was to make myself at home. I introduced myself to a lady named Joanie...she and her husband with their young children have made the decision to follow what they believe to be the call of God on their lives and live in a place and among people that are very different from their own culture, ethnicity and social background. And then there was a man there, with a beautiful little girl and he knew me from my days working in a health food store. It didn't take long for me to feel that I was among familiar people...that common ground is as easy to find as saying "hello". I ate good food, met good people, had a good time talking about scripture, gardens, chickens, backgrounds. I stayed there, with my friends, old a new, until it started to rain. Cub and I walked back down the sidewalk, got back in our van and drove back to our world. Back under our own roof and our four walls I felt a happiness knowing that "mission work" isn't always about traveling to some far away country. Sometimes the people who need to be reached are as close as the neighborhood you don't want to drive through and the person to change the most is the one in your bathroom mirror.

http://hyaets.org/about.html

"Unfurnished"

Starting my garden this year has taught me several important lessons, one of them being to make a plan and get started on it early. So, here, in the middle of July, I am trying to work out a plan for making Cub a quilt. I wanted to use some of his baby clothes, my worn nursing and pregnancy clothes and other such nostalgic fabrics. It is pretty ambitious for me...but another thing I have learned from gardening is that difficulty or inexperience are not always good reasons to not DIVE RIGHT IN! So, I have looked at several styles and patterns and I think I've settled on the one above. It is called "Unfurnished" and was designed by Ashley Williamson of Film in the Fridge for Robert Kaufman Fabrics. I love it! It is so lively and geometric. It is everything I think a quilt should be yet there's nothing, hmmm, grandma, about it (no offense Nana). And I think it will grow with Cub. What do you think? Where my quilters at? I am gonna' need some advice, I am sure! Check out more ideas here: http://www.robertkaufman.com/quilting/

Slow Down

I am very much over my cell phone. Texting is wonderful and I admit that there is a certain sense of security in knowing that I have an instant and portable means of communication...but, maybe I want to send and receive a letter in the mail...maybe I want to remember phone numbers by heart. Maybe I want to sit in one spot and have a conversation without multitasking with a 3"x 4" pc of hot, radiating plastic stuck to my ear...maybe I want to take my time and appreciate yours just a little better...maybe...I will get one of those rotary phones, with a real ring instead of those dinky electronic beats...now wouldn't that be nice. Brrring-ring-ring! "It's the good life calling to tell you to slow down." :)

More Than Streets of Gold

the more i get my hands in the dirt
the more i find and understand and know
that really it is me
i am the one
who is growing
pushing up higher
stretching for the Son of Your Love

my roots go deeper, seeking that which is essential
hidden in the dark it seems
i am clearing away to find what is
simple
this simple thing
this
thing
this...realness
that i draw up, like water from
the black earth,
flows from me in sweat and in tears
this work is pure
and right
but even as the green shoots have come up
even as leaves and tendrils and blooms unfurl
i know the earth is turning away
i know that all the vibrancy
will fade to brown and grey
what i need most still seems to elude me...

i want all the weeds cleared away
i want to know the nature and taste of the fruit of my life
i want to lay hold of You
and pass You out
in spilling handfuls
unfading
everlasting
real
this is what i want
more than anything
You here
my hands Yours
turning and giving
the abundance of forever

The Giver, Not The Gift

Yesterday I was feeding Liam some sweet potato. He was really enjoying it and as I was giving him a spoonful I noticed how he was gazing at me as I fed him, his eyes bright and beaming with intent trust. His eyes never looked at the spoon or the bowl, but stayed soley on me; watching my expressions sure that whatever I was giving him was good. It reminded me of somthing I read about a certain Native American culture, that when they recieved a gift, they did not open or inspect it in front of the giver, but looked into their eyes and expressed deep gratitude. Sometimes I think I forget that...it's not the gift that is important. It is the giver. The heart of someone who exerts effort to bless you, to help you, to care for you...that is something of great value.

Sunday Morning

1. Change wet diaper and doze off for a few more minutes as my toddler nurses


2. Fully wake to smiling toddler who scoots out of bed ready to go


3. See Daddy off to church


4. Put together dry ingredients for chocolate chip cookies and set out eggs and butter


5. Enjoy breakfast of fresh fruit and vanilla yogurt with my little one


6. Remove my little one's diaper and let him "air out" while he spikes his football


7. Mix color and add another layer to the painting I am working on


8. Hear little one grunting...get a diaper on him just in time! ;)


9. Rinse brush and stand back to get a look of my painting. More pleased with the way it is turning out.


10. Change diaper


11. Get little one dressed


12. Nurse


13. Get myself dressed


14. Look out back window and ponder what to do about a trellis for my sweet peas (which seem to have grown an inch or so over night)


15. Head to health food store for alkaline water and baking yeast


16. Get back home give little one a snack


17. Mix cookie dough and turn on oven


18. Nurse little one and get him down for his nap


19. Take a deep breath...Daddy will be home soon.

All In

I have begun to truly realize what love is...it is inseperable from commitment. I have learned this in tending to my son, this daunting first year of his life. In deeply loving my step-son while taking a backseat to his mother. In getting my hands in the dirt and hoping and waiting to see what sun and rain will do to tiny seeds. In realizing the difficulty of marriage and valuing the difficulty itself. This pouring out, this hand in hand, side by side, step by step... is grueling. My ego shreds. Sometimes the ties that bind, chaffe. I am not in control; I am in love, with these children and this work and this, one man. So I move in closer for another shared breath on shared ground. My heartbeat measures out my time here... I'm in. All the way. And I know that whatever I sow, that, will I also, reap.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, it always trusts, it always hopes, it always preserveres. Love never fails." ~from 1 Corinthians 13

Growing

Everything has sprouted, the lettuce, the spinach mustard and the sweet peas...and the tomato plant, that started it all, has a sweet yellow bloom. I am so joyful over this. I keep running back to the window and peeking out at the fresh and tender shoots. Life is amazing...

We Be Slingin'

I am an attachment style parent (here's a link explaining a bit about just what that means:http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/attachment-parenting/what-ap-7-baby-bs) and a big part of that is babywearing. I have been wearing my baby boy all his young life, and I LOVE it! So many reasons why, here are a few: 1)When he was a newborn it kept him close and gave my arms a rest. He would fall asleep in it as I went about doing chores. We both felt comfortable and secure because we were always close. 2) It makes getting in and out of the house much easier, no cumbersome carseats to lug about; I just slip him in my carrier and then my hands are free to grab grocery bags, lock the door, etc. 3) Eliminates the hassle of navigating small or tricky spaces with a stroller. We have enjoyed many walks through the woods and strolled through many a packed boutique without the frustration of the stroller jamming things up. 4) Babies bring joy and when they are chest height in a carrier, they are in eye range of many people instead of down low in a stroller and this helps baby be social as everyone loves to stop and talk to and smile at a baby!

I have used several styles of carriers, Ergo, Baby Bjorn, Mei Tei. My favorite one, the one I resort to time after time and use the most is my Sling EZE ring sling. I LOVE it and so does my babe. It is comfortable, versatile and oh so easy to use. Some days, it is the only way I get anything done! I recommend them over any other style. Check out my good friend Lorri's site, Lolo's Bow-tique. http://www.lolosbowtique.com/ She has several styles of Sling Eze slings as well as many other earth and baby friendly items. I am sure you will find something you just have to have! I couldn't be happier with mine!

Seeds Are In the Ground

The first bed is built and planted. Alaskan Peas, Simpson's Lettuce and Spinach Mustard greens. A little rain sprinkled right after the seeds were planted...I will take it for tidings of good things to come! Building a second bed for herbs and for when the letucces need thinning; good use of an old train table that my step-son doesn't use anymore. Smiling! Stay tuned!

What Happens To a Dream Deferred or Small Deeds Done

So it has been awhile...winter melted away, my baby has had his first birthday and is toddling about with confident curiosity. My 5yo stepson is away at camp for the first time ever. We have been growing and very busy...almost too busy for a dream. Let me tell you...

About a month ago we went to the store and I picked out a beautiful, organic, heirloom tomato. Just one. For a sandwich. When we got to the register, I visibly winced when it scanned for nearly $3. One tomato. Three dollars. "That's it." my husband growled. "We are not buying anymore tomatoes!" The thought of life without tomatoes jolted my memory...me looking longingly out into the frosty backyard, dreaming of a summer full of ripe fruits and veggies. "I can't wait for Spring." I thought to myself as I browsed seed catalogues and imagined tilling up the backyard. But alas, spring was now half way gone and the mounting heat assured me that summer was coming quickly. Holding my three dollar 'mater, I was dejected. Such a grand dream, but now it was too late. Too late to start a garden, I lamented to a friend of mine. "Listen," she said, "just get a pretty pot and stick a tomato plant in it. It will be fine! Small deeds done are better than great deeds planned."

So we bought a pot, a plant and some organic dirt. We have tenderly tended our plant and are eagerly awaiting a harvest. It has quadrupled in size and we are amazed at the process and how much satisfaction comes from something as simple as watching a thing grow. Today I scored a pallet from a construction site. I went to my local home improvement store and had some untreated lumber cut and I am going to turn that pallet into a plant bed right on my deck. We should be harvesting lettuces and greens which will be great for the fall! I am SO excited. I feel so handy and capable. I have a permagrin! Can't wait to get it put together! I'll post pics when it's done!

Today is No Time for Yesterday...

The late winter sun bathes your face and casts rainbows in your hair. The dimples on your little hands wink at me as you go from interest to interest gobbling up textures and experiences. Everything is so new to you. I have never really been one to look back. Living in gratitude and wonder leaves little time for nostalgia. I am glad. I have had my childhood. My days of sun on youthful limbs and wild hair and eager adventures. I am still young, but I am old enough to enjoy watching you as you explore. Old enough to know what to help you avoid. Old enough to wait and not run, to give and not take, to smile with every sigh. I am not a child at play anymore. Today I am a mother.

Dregs

I am getting over the flu. It is quite shocking how bad a body can feel. Humbling to know that a something so small I can't even see it can make me so violently ill. Grateful for days of health and for that slice of chocolate mousse cake in the fridge just waiting for me to get well.

In the Middle of Winter

It has been a long and unusually harsh winter for North Carolina. February is usually the hardest around these parts, but we've already seen two good snows and it makes me wonder, here in the middle of the season, what the rest of it will hold. I have to say, I think I was made for winter. Bare branches, grey skies, brisk air, inky blue star-lit nights, whistling tea kettles, layers of clothing...these things make me feel like myself. I feel like I belong when the air is cold and clean and the world is a little more still. That said, I will appreciate spring when she comes. Like I said this has been a hard winter (by our standards. Please don't shake you head at me if you've spent your whole life in the upper mid-west!) and so when the soft bits of spring start pushing up from the sleepy earth, it will be good and I will be glad. 'Til then, I'll be staying warm and browsing this site: http://www.heirloomseeds.com/history.htm for my seed wish list. I have a dream to start a garden very soon...

Sunday Morning

Safety through the night. First waking breath. Bright eyes crinkled into a smile beneath soft baby curls. Sunlight spilling through the woods behind the house. The voice of my husband secure, familiar. A spoonful of sugar and clouds of cream in my coffee. A hand-written card. Psalms 23 rendered by Morgan Heritage and Buju Banton a sweet solace of praise. "My cup, it overflows." Shiloh: his gifts. And I am thankful.

Well, hello~

Hello to you! This is my first blog post and it has been a long time coming and a long time doing! My days are, already, quite full. Keeping up with my precious baby boy and keeping in touch with my beloved husband whilst trying to maintain our humble home is certainly more than a notion! So, why add blogging to the mix? Well, my life is as common as a pebble; and the wonder in the ordinary we often overlook. I want to slow down and be more aware of the ebb and flow of my life, to appreciate it and communicate that appreciation, here, with words and images. Symbols and representations have a sort of power. They can fan a spark into flame or soothe an ache. They can make a space for healing or point you in the right direction to have an adventure. That's it, I mean isn't this all an adventure? From one brilliantly epic breath to the next? Yes, why yes indeed! So that's what I am aiming to do, share my adventure with you and mayhap a bit of healing balm as well...Oh thank you, thank you for coming along!